A Hag's Halloween

The other night my gay husband, "Corky," and I had a serious discussion that can only be done over a few glasses of wine among a couple of "girlfriends." The topic? Our Halloween costumes... a very serious decision that is only made once a year for a reason. It takes a lot of work if you're going to do it right. Halloween is, afterall, "gay Christmas," the holiday created especially with the homosexual man in mind. Once a year, on that magical day, every gay in town is given permission (hell, they're expected!) to dress in more sparkle than the Vegas strip and/or dress as a woman. And the boys don't dress as just any woman, they dress as THE MOST fabulous pop star, 80's Dallas character or any other ultra-fem, slutty clothes-wearing lady that enables them to wear mascara, a wig and as few clothes as possible.

This year for Halloween, "Corky" is going as "Frank-n-Furter," the mad scientist transvestite from Rocky Horror Picture Show. This involves wearing a corset, fishnet thigh highs, a garter belt and heels, of course. So, being the good (some say "expert") fag hag that I am, "Corky" and I spent three hours planning and piecing together his costume.

First, a wig. Although it's easy to find "Frank-n-Furter" wigs online, "Corky" insisted on a "nice" wig... preferably with real hair (Asian) in a more fashionable, but authentic, style. Warning him that "nice" wigs could cost a lot more than the perfectly good "costume" wig, I suggested that we move on to corsets... a corset that fits a flat-chested, broad-shouldered man. Again, there were many options online, however, "Corky" thought the Victoria's Secret corsets were too plain, Frederick's of Hollywood too slutty and the other sites too costumey. Onto makeup... "Corky" says he has this part of the costume taken care of since, apparently, one of his co-workers is an expert in dramatic electric blue eyeshadow and pancake makeup, so she has been recruited (unbeknownst to her) for her abundant skills... in the "art" of transvestite makeup.

So, "Corky" and I debated which size corset would fit him and he was convinced that he would be a smaller size than me. Granted, I'm a big girl, but as any woman knows, your true waist is the smallest part of you just below the bustline. "Corky" is a boy with a broad chest and could in no way fit into a size 34 corset. This was proved when I had him try on my bra and, although I'm pretty sure he enjoyed the feel of the black lace across his chest, had at least eight inches before reaching "hook" to "eye." And this shocked poor "Corky" who was convinced that either there is a bigger difference in our sizes than there is (bitch!) or that he could more easily fit into women's clothing, namely, a corset.

So, after much planning and discussion about "Corky's" costume, I fully realized how much work a hag's job is, especially around the "holiday" (Halloween.) There's so much planning and preparing for the big day that I almost feel like a pageant mom making sure that little "Suzy" (or "Corky," in this case) has her elaborate outfit all ready. And I've been such a good pageant mom/fag hag that over the weekend I even stopped by the costume shop to pick up the fishnet (not regular nylon, because that's not what Frank-n-Furter wears, "Corky" tells me...) thigh highs for my gay husband. The things you do for your spouse...

So, for all of the fabulous gays, I hope that on the big day your hose don't run (unless they're supposed to,) your makeup is just right and that your costume is every bit as radiant as you'd hoped. Happy Halloween! And remember that no matter what happens, be sure to bring back those fabulous heels that you borrowed from me.