WTF Winter?

Like a menopausal woman, I am always, and I mean always, warm. While most other people at work/in the movie theater/in the Kroger freezer section shiver in chilled anguish, I exist comfortably in short sleeves and bare legs. Seriously, I haven't been able to wear a sweater in years! So, imagine the despair and discomfort I feel with the arrival of that cycle of nature, the unwanted visitor (that bitch!), that unwavering beast that strikes the best of us with personality changes, irritation and turmoil. That's right, ladies, that "special" time has arrived... El Nino is here. What did you think I was talking about?

This winter has been the warmest in history (okay, the warmest of any I can remember.) It's already late January and no snow storms, no icicles, hell, the temperature has barely gotten below 40 degrees! And this pisses me off. Without seasons, everything is just out of whack. No, there's no tangible evidence to show for this "aura" that seems to be present. It's like having a full moon every night. And I'm pretty sure I heard wolves howling outside last night, but that could've been a couple of drunk college kids reaching for the doors of the neighborhood liquor store only to find that it is closed, or a couple of displeased "residents" at the home for severely disabled fifty feet away. (I'm not poking fun of them, this is actually a regular occurance on my street.)

This annoying temperate weather that has punished us here in the "Upper South" this winter is vastly different from the snowstorms and bitter cold that I remember growing up in the Midwest. And in a lot of ways, my experience making snow ice cream as a child and ability to drive on 2 inches of ice makes me a winter expert around here. When 99% of Louisvillians are frantically rushing to buy bread and milk before "the big storm" (which usually amounts to about an inch and a half of snow, a legitimate weather emergency here) I'm given the opportunity to demonstrate my lack of concern, my resistance to such hysteria and, inevitably, my superiority over the common man. Yes, I and my Chicago-born friends thumb our noses at your utter panic. But, this winter El Nino has robbed me of my disdain, a feeling I look forward to every year! 

Some may point out that the cause of the moderate winter that irritates me so much is actually global warming at work. However, I prefer to have a name to call the phenomenom that irritates me and causes the world around us to spin slightly off axis. And, so, as I sit here in my tank top and shorts, I curse you, El Nino! If I had wanted to mow the lawn and drink frozen cocktails with little umbrellas on the patio year-round, I would have moved to Miami instead of Louisville. So, now, I am going to hibernate in my one-bedroom apartment, protected against the 50-degrees and sunny January weather, until Derby Day.