The Incident

Disclaimer: I've decided to share a funny story that is highly embarrassing. The rule is, after reading, you can't look down on me. You can't look at me differently. And you can't judge. I only tell it because it's really funny, and your laughter is more important than my humiliation.

So... a few of my closest friends and relatives (I mean only THE closest who already know the story) have asked me whether I would be sharing a particular story of mine that is more than a little embarrassing. As a habitual "over-sharer" who knows no "T.M.I." I eventually came to the conclusion that everyone (I know you do) has a story, an embarrassing story, a story about shitting their pants... and so, I share mine.... Yeah, I'm going there...

I had only worked at my previous job for a few months before the big "gala" fundraiser. As a representative of the company, of course I had to attend the high-profile event in town with the "who's who" of Louisville. I hadn't been to many formal affairs in my professional career but managed to dig up a former bridesmaid dress that would serve as the perfect ball gown for the debut event.

Dressed in my beautiful gown and feeling like a million bucks, the event went off without a hitch. Although not a natural "socializer," I managed to make small-talk with some major donors, got to know some loyal volunteers a little better and took full advantage of that blessing, the open bar. However, I did not, unfortunately, have the opportunity to enjoy much of the buffet dinner served to attendees of the opulent event.

When the event's agenda was complete and only a few party-goers remained, I politely excused myself from that long day. I was finally able to relax on my drive home. That was, until I felt a somewhat familiar pang that made me just a little more urgent (panicked) to get to my final destination. So, when I arrived at my condo building I pulled into the service driveway where I hurriedly turned on my emergency flashers and set the car in "park." As I scrambled to get inside to the privacy of my own home, I could not find my keys! Rushed and panicked to find the keys, I listened for the familiar clank in my purse... But, it was too late... I shit my pants... in my ballgown...

Desperate to do something (anything!) to conceal my "accident" (until now, when I tell all via blog,) I casually walked down the drive to my condo building's award-winning landscape garden. There, I'm mortified (obviously not enough to keep from sharing) to say, I covertly shook the offending turd loose from my gown. But, as I sheepishly made my way back to the car, I realized that in my haste, I had left the keys in the running car!

So, I let myself into my condo building and guiltily snuck into my apartment to destroy the evidence and forget that unfortunate, scandalous evening. Much to my dismay, however, Mother Nature would NOT let me forget my unforgiveable, embarrassing offense...  See, the turd from my fancy ballgown on that infamous evening mocked me for at least six months from its landscaped high-traffic location where I had last left it. That son of a bitch lasted in the ornamental grasses through rain and shine, snow and sleet, humidity and drought. And my humiliation lasted for at least three times that amount of time! 

But, despite my incredible embarrassment, I share my story now partly because I recently moved out of the condo building where I single-handedly caused the ruination of the landscape committee. Also, I don't keep "secrets" very well. And if you don't have a story (about dirtying your pants or something equally as embarrassing,) you're just not human. And you're lying...  Now, we will never speak of this again.